Dolphin Assisted Birthing Method

I don’t watch Penn & Teller: Bullshit, as Penn Jillette is one of my mortal enemies, but I will admit the program’s premise is *interesting — debunking “bullshit people fall for” (feng shui, the bible, etc). Below you will find a clip from a recent episode focusing on the dolphin-assisted birthing method. What is the dolphin-assisted birthing method you ask? Why, it’s when doctors and hospitals are replaced with dolphins and the ocean. Because turns out new age hippies believe giving birth in the ocean, surrounded by untamed sea mammals, is a safe and healthy way to bring a child into this world. Safe and healthy until the baby suffers a fatal injury. Because they’re in the ocean. Where anything can happen. (Re: Jaws)

Interesting, that White guy with dreads (really, really great combo, btw) sounds like he might have a legitimate learning disability. He believes that should complications occur while his partner is going through labor, dolphins offer better medical assistance than a licensed doctor. Maybe he’s just high though. It’s a fine line.

But I do not approve of this method. There are many documentaries (okay, I think there’s only one) that expose the secret dark side of dolphins. And let me tell you, dolphins are dangerous. I know you don’t believe me, but trust. Trust. They torment smaller dolphins, prey on females, gang rape, etc. They’re basically like every other species. I know it’s hard to believe, what with their perpetual smile and all, but people need to remember, that is just their facial structure. Not all of them are nice.

And anyway, if it costs like seven thousand dollars to ride a single dolphin for an hour in Orlando Fl., wouldn’t the hourly rate be even higher to birth a baby surrounded by an entire flock? How does this procedure work? Is there a specific area where dolphins linger, ready to send their nurturing, positive waves to newborns? I need to know.

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Alright, I did some extensive research on the topic (ie: I googled it) and found this site to be the most informative. Given that the dolphin-assisted birthing method’s most educative site looks like a web page an 8th grade student made back in 1997 for his or her Solar System science project, I don’t think enough research has been conducted on the subject. However, the site does reveal this information:

There are tide pools, hot ponds, access for free dolphins. This area of Hawaii is the only area where all these occur together. Therefore this is a prime area for establishing water birth with dolphins and the human-dolphin habitats where we can live and learn from each other. This area can also be the first embassy for the Cetacean Commonwealth. See Cetacean Commonwealth.

Okay…so let me just click on Cetacean Commonwealth….

The Cetacean Commonwealth

The Cetacean Commonwealth is a commonwealth of the Cetacea Nations comprising all species of Cetacea, the mammalian order of whales and dolphins and the humans that support them. Um, what?

Well, basically I wasted a half hour writing about and researching a topic I care zero about, and no one even knows anything about this method. But I do know one thing: I still hate Penn Jillette. And in the end, that’s all that matters.

*I take that back. This show appears to be anything but interesting.