TMI Future

This dumb article linked to from CNN seems to me to lack any real logic. I mean, just think about drug use for a minute. Clinton smoked but didn’t inhale. Bush, of course, was an alcoholic and a cocaine user, though he tried his best to play that down. Obama, the new guy, has actually admitted to inhaling weed and doing coke. Clearly, a candidate’s past is becoming less and less of an issue as people sort of accept that young people do these kinds of things when they’re young. Whereas Bush and Clinton sorta kinda tried to whitewash their past, Obama’s simply jumping ahead of the story and laying it all out on his terms. So what is going to happen when everybody – including political candidates– have their embarrassing pasts documented on the internet? My common sense tells me that it simply won’t be an issue. I mean, maybe if you’ve like murdered a family during thanksgiving dinner and posted video of it on youtube, then yeah, I can see that becoming a big deal in the year 2036. But by the time this generation comes to power, all this is going to be so common that it simply won’t matter. You can see this everyday already. Sex tapes used to destroy careers, but these days they’re the fastest way to celebrity. The internet is changing everything, and in the future it’ll be the LACK of information that will be trouble for candidates. Sure, there will still be that 25% of people which will be outraged by something someone said or did thirty years ago, but those people are very likely Republicans anyway and if we are seriously thinking about the future of this country then no one should bother trying to get those votes anyway.

But I shouldn’t be surprised that the media is making this sort of argument. These are the same people that have been wondering in amazement why so many adults these days are playing videogames and watching cartoons and doing this or that, things that ten fifteen twenty years ago only kids did… well, it’s because the children are becoming adults!

Losing it

It seems that with all the chaos of the primary battle against Hillary, the Obama team had overlooked sending Obama on a high-profile overseas trip to build up his image back here in the States. Well, more likely, they just didn’t have the time. Regardless, John McCain was there to remind them about it by publicly egging him on for not having visited Iraq and Afghanistan in the last six months. How dare he talk without visiting there! After hyping it up everywhere for months, the Obama team decided to humor him and try to live up to the hype and really do it up. Let’s send Obama overseas and have him meet with as many foreign leaders as possible. Serious important powerful people with really high school cool crushes on him. And have him walk around like he knows it, too!

So now, John McCain is upset at all the media hype he created over the trip because it turns out that serious important people overseas agree with Obama on a lot of things, such as the Iraqi president thinking the occupation of his country should come to an end. And they kinda like him, too. So, whereas a week ago McCain and the how-the-fuck-did-these-dumb-people-graduate-and-get-a-job media were going on and on about how Obama needs to change his position on foreign policy issues because clearly the Iraq war was going smoothly…finally! – one week later the story is that Obama’s been right all along, Iraqis agree with him, and McCain’s now seriously losing it, acting like some crazy person talking nonsense about how we’re “winning” and “victory” and how we can’t leave until we’ve won and if we leave then we surrender unless we leave now cos the surge has finally brought us victory but we can’t leave yet because victory needs to be sustained and Obama’s wrong cos i’m right and who gives a shit what the Iraqi president thinks he’s probably in cahoots with Iran.

McCain is losing it because while Obama’s being personally driven around by Jordan’s King Abdullah in this:

John McCain is being driven around in…………………….. this:

I’d be going crazy too

Everyone Loves Feist…Except Us

Everyone is going crazy over Feist’s performance on Sesame Street. I thought once that Ipod Nano commercial had run its course I’d never have to hear this song again. Alas, I was wrong.

(Our Feist Discussion)

Me: Feist was on Sesame Street. Like every blog is posting about it.

Tankosky: Eh, I hate Feist.

Me: Me too. What’s your reason?

Tankosky: I read an interview with her. All she did was talk about how great it is to be indie, to release indie songs, and to have an indie boyfriend, etc. Annoying shit.

Me: I can see that. She’s pretty though.

Tankosky: Whatever, she looks like every other indie girl.

Me: It’s true. She does have very long bangs.

Tankosky: Mushaboom’s still an awesome song though.

Me: Yeah, it rules.

Dolphin Assisted Birthing Method

I don’t watch Penn & Teller: Bullshit, as Penn Jillette is one of my mortal enemies, but I will admit the program’s premise is *interesting — debunking “bullshit people fall for” (feng shui, the bible, etc). Below you will find a clip from a recent episode focusing on the dolphin-assisted birthing method. What is the dolphin-assisted birthing method you ask? Why, it’s when doctors and hospitals are replaced with dolphins and the ocean. Because turns out new age hippies believe giving birth in the ocean, surrounded by untamed sea mammals, is a safe and healthy way to bring a child into this world. Safe and healthy until the baby suffers a fatal injury. Because they’re in the ocean. Where anything can happen. (Re: Jaws)

Interesting, that White guy with dreads (really, really great combo, btw) sounds like he might have a legitimate learning disability. He believes that should complications occur while his partner is going through labor, dolphins offer better medical assistance than a licensed doctor. Maybe he’s just high though. It’s a fine line.

But I do not approve of this method. There are many documentaries (okay, I think there’s only one) that expose the secret dark side of dolphins. And let me tell you, dolphins are dangerous. I know you don’t believe me, but trust. Trust. They torment smaller dolphins, prey on females, gang rape, etc. They’re basically like every other species. I know it’s hard to believe, what with their perpetual smile and all, but people need to remember, that is just their facial structure. Not all of them are nice.

And anyway, if it costs like seven thousand dollars to ride a single dolphin for an hour in Orlando Fl., wouldn’t the hourly rate be even higher to birth a baby surrounded by an entire flock? How does this procedure work? Is there a specific area where dolphins linger, ready to send their nurturing, positive waves to newborns? I need to know.

***

Alright, I did some extensive research on the topic (ie: I googled it) and found this site to be the most informative. Given that the dolphin-assisted birthing method’s most educative site looks like a web page an 8th grade student made back in 1997 for his or her Solar System science project, I don’t think enough research has been conducted on the subject. However, the site does reveal this information:

There are tide pools, hot ponds, access for free dolphins. This area of Hawaii is the only area where all these occur together. Therefore this is a prime area for establishing water birth with dolphins and the human-dolphin habitats where we can live and learn from each other. This area can also be the first embassy for the Cetacean Commonwealth. See Cetacean Commonwealth.

Okay…so let me just click on Cetacean Commonwealth….

The Cetacean Commonwealth

The Cetacean Commonwealth is a commonwealth of the Cetacea Nations comprising all species of Cetacea, the mammalian order of whales and dolphins and the humans that support them. Um, what?

Well, basically I wasted a half hour writing about and researching a topic I care zero about, and no one even knows anything about this method. But I do know one thing: I still hate Penn Jillette. And in the end, that’s all that matters.

*I take that back. This show appears to be anything but interesting.

Disturbing Movies for Kids

FYI:

This is the funniest thing I’ve read in, I don’t know, a month:

The 26 Most Disturbing Kids Movies Ever

Note: Be sure to watch the accompanying videos. They’re hillair.

Observe: How much better the trailer for “Chronicles of Narnia” is than the actual movie.

Mark: This “Disturbing Kids Movies” piece is part of a parenting blog. (I don’t have any kids, but whatever, it’s cool. Parenting blogs are all the rage.) But go to the homepage. You can read an article on how Amanda Peet thinks parents who don’t vaccinate their children are “parasites.” It’s riveting.

(I wonder if Peet and Jenny McCarthy are going to fist fight. Since McCarthy believes her son’s autism is linked to the vaccines he was given as a baby. She is very passionate about the potential connection. I watched her on Larry King Live, so, you know, she’s totally cereal. But anyway, McCarthy is anti-vaccines. Or rather, anti-some vaccines. Or, how bout, pro-certain vaccines, anti-28 vaccines injected at once, pro-Jim Carey, anti-autism, pro-singled out, pro-playboy, pro-Witless Protection, anti-Amanda Peet.

No, but autism is really serious. Cerealous. Shit, no. It’s serious. And I am curious to hear both sides of the argument.)

Failure to Launch

I watched “Failure to Launch.” It was really bad. So bad, I’m going to review it so you’ll never have to watch it.

(You’re welcome.)

Main character – Tripp ( Matthew McConaughey) is what we call, a playa. He fears commitment and loves hot girls. He also lives in the same house as Terry Bradshaw and Kathy Bates, who play his parents.

The review:

The movie begins with Tripp and some blonde woman at dinner. The woman asks Tripp where they’re headed (relationship wise) and in an attempt to avoid the question, Tripp kisses her. Then the two are all, “check please!” and hightail it over to Tripp’s pad. Little does the blonde know, Tripp lives with his parents. (!!!)

So the two are about to get bizzy when who should unexpectedly enter into Tripp’s room but Terry Bradshaw. Everyone screams. The brilliant blonde puts two and two together and immediately leaves once she realizes the man of her dreams still lives with his parents. Oh, the humanity. Tripp laughs and it is apparent that this is how he dumps his lovers…or rather, gets them to dump him. Since, according to this story, it’s every woman’s worst nightmare to be with a guy who still lives at home.

The next scene opens with Tripp’s mother cooking up a storm of a breakfast. Eggs, bacon, pancakes, the works. All for her lazy-still-lives-at-home-35-year-old son. This is important to note because we see why Tripp doesn’t want to move. Personal chefs are very expensive. Tripp plops down next to his father with his artery clogging b-fast and feasts away as his father sullenly looks down at his bowl of oatmeal, reminding us all why it sucks to get old. Then Tripp kisses his mother goodbye and it’s off to hang with the boyz.

We’re introduced to Tripp’s bffs, a couple of tools whose names are uh, Demo (played by Bradley Cooper) and Ace (played by some other actor I’ve never seen before). We learn that none of these men have real jobs and they still live at home. Cute. But these fellas, they love to rock climb, mountain bike, surf, you know, all the typical stuff girls just hate to do.

The three amigos go mountain biking. While zooming down some crazy hill, Tripp is thrown off his cycle. Once he lands he spots a chipmunk. He tries to feed it, I think (I honestly don’t really remember), but he does something stupid and all of a sudden the two are in a battle. The chipmunk bites his finger, and everyone’s a little weirded out. Next it’s all about surfing. As the boy luck club tread the open waters of wherever the hell this movie takes place, we watch a group of dolphins slowly surround them (not in a national geographic dolphin gang-rape sort of way, but in a pg-13 romantic comedy way) and Tripp’s abruptly pulled off his surfboard as a dolphin takes hold of his leg and drags him through the sea. Obviously Tripp is eventually released, but once he resurfaces is understandably shaken up. His two blood brothers tell him what a strange occurrence that was, and then they all go about their merry way.

Now we’re at a bbq with a bunch of parents…oldish parents. Aka Tripp’s parents and their friends. All the rents are discussing their children, their children who are all old and still living at home. Maybe this is actually a support group bbq for parents who can’t stand up to their kids. Anyway, we can’t help but notice one couple who are simply beside themselves with excitement. Why you ask? Oh, well looks like their son has finally left the house. For good! Gasps all around. Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw ask: “But when? To where? How….HOW?” And like an ancient tribe leader sharing his lifelong wisdom by the fire-pit, the couple reveal that somewhere lies a woman, a woman named Paula, who, like witchcraft, can transform any guy and get him out of the house within a few months. Then the old happy couple share unnecessary facts about their renewed sex life and make out in front of the crowd. Tasty.

Tripp’s parents, naturally, hire this woman, Paula (played by Sarah Jessica Parker), to kick their son out. Like clockwork, Paula “bumps” into Tripp, gets him to ask her out, and things are going according to plan. Tripp eventually takes Paula to meet his friends, they all agree she’s cool. The two eat crab together; she feeds him some crab meat, blah, blah, blah. Then Paula calls up Tripp one day, uncontrollably crying explaining that she has to unexpectedly put her dog to sleep. She asks him to meet her at the veterinarian’s. He does. She cries and hugs Tripp by her sick dog. She asks Tripp if she can have a few moments alone with the dog. He leaves. She stops crying. We discover the dog lying on the table in front of her is not sick, it doesn’t even belong to her, but that this is all just a ploy to get Tripp closer to her, and she has some friends at the vet who play along with her. Um, okay?

Then all the guys go rock climbing. Paula’s the topic of discussion. They’re talking, and chatting. Tripp’s climbing and naturally is thinking about about Paula’s “dead” dog, and Ace is belaying. (Belaying: the securing of a rope on a rock or other projection during mountain climbing.) Ace gets distracted while he reaches for his powerade, loses grip of the rope, and Tripp falls to the ground and almost dies. Again. Strange things are happening. Strange things.

On the dating front however, everything seems to be falling into place. That is until one night Tripp takes Paula back to…his place. Rewind. Hold up. Meaning: he’s ready to end the relationship? This is an impossible twist of events. How could Tripp want to dump Paula? Paula who so clearly knows what she’s doing and holds the ability to magically get any guy to commit and leave their safe haven for good. It’s supposed to be the other way around. Paula is supposed to dump HIM. Once we’re able to wrap our minds around the biggest surprise twist since “The Sixth Sense,” we see that Paula has one last trick up her sleeve that will surely change Tripp’s mind– to sleep with him. Because everyone knows that once a serial playboy sleeps with a girl, a girl who he’s planning to break up with, he actually WANTS to commit even MORE. But regardless, this is a big deal for Paula, since her character vowed to never sleep with a client. Probably because then she’d meet the definition requirements of a prostitute.

After Paula sleeps with Tripp it’s obvi her emotions are now involved. Uh-oh. She decides to reimburse Tripp’s parents for their troubles and tell Tripp the truth. But not before getting caught by Ace while she’s on a date with another “client.” This other client being played by Patton Oswalt. Who, really, makes much more sense than Matthew McConaughey’s character. Patton, as usual, plays a 35-year old dungeons and dragons enthusiast whose sole friend is his computer. Therefore, in this instance it’s more believable that Paula could instill some self confidence into this guy and convince him it’s time to move forward with his life. But that is neither here nor there. The point is, she’s caught. Red handed. Ace promises to keep this from Tripp, however, he tells Demo. Demo confronts Paula and reveals the real reason why Tripp lives with his parents is because his fiance died six years ago. Paula feels terrible. She will tell Tripp the truth. Not before Demo tells him first, though. I guess that saying really is true: bros before hos.

Once Tripp hears the truth he, like most people, cooks for the those who have deceived him a three-course meal before dropping the ball…the “I know what you did” ball. While they’re eating dinner, Tripp explodes. Kathy Bates, Terry Bradshaw, and Paula try to explain, explain how paying someone off to date you so you’ll move out is totally ethical, but Tripp will not listen. Everyone is upset.

A disheartened Tripp seeks relief by bro-ing it up with his pals. Once again, they’re surfing. And once again, a dolphin appears. The same dolphin that nearly killed Tripp earlier. Only this time, the dolphin warms up to Tripp. Tripp strokes the dolphin. The two share a moment. Then Tripp’s friends decide it’s time to discuss Paula. They remind him how happy they were together. That he should forgive her. And then say something along the lines of, “Remember when that dolphin almost killed you? And how you almost died rock climbing? And when that chipmunk attacked you? Maybe those are all signs that you need to get on with your life and make a commitment.” Because when really strange events take place in your life, it’s apparently the universe warning you to start dating someone new. Or you might die.

But more importantly, his friends inform Tripp that their living situations are more understandable than his. Demo is a seasoned world traveler, and only stays with his parents temporarily. And Ace is paying off his mom’s mortgage, so technically she lives in his house. Basically, it’s their subtle way of telling Tripp he’s pathetic.

Tripp brushes everything he just heard off his shoulders and continues to sulk. All parties decide it’s time to ban together and kidnap both Tripp and Paula and force them to talk to one another. Mission accomplished. Tripp forgives Paula and they all live happily ever after.

The fucking end.

Tila Tequila…or Lord Byron?

Not only is Tila Tequila a fake bi-sexual reality superstar, but she’s also a poet. Who knew?

Thunderfuck my mouth is shut. Been a while, feel like a cunt.
Can’t wait for this drama to pass.
Oh the joy…..fuck you. My ass.
Live a lie.
Tell my mind.
Over soon. I can’t deny.
You will all soon see, the truth in my eyes.
Smile on my face, the loving embrace….but instead I’ll punch you in the face.
For a long time coming….I let you touch me….now that’s it’s over bitch….You better start running.
Pent up inside….telling these lies….this has gone too far…..the world will soon die.
Only 1 more day. To feel this way. Tomorrow I smile…..brings another day!
Back to myself. Nobody else. Fuck all this bullshit. I’m back to myself. Yes. Thank the fuck God. ~ Tila Tequila

The most important poll

A new poll released today has Obama beating John McCain 52-45 as the preferred summer BBQ cookout guest. No word yet on who Americans would rather have a beer with, but this is excellent news for Obama. Now if he would only stop talking about all those boring, “important” issues no one gives a shit about and give a speech about the pleasures of drinking beer, eating burgers and going to church on weekends, he’d crush McCain in November.

McCain Elitism

More photographic evidence of John McCain engaging in elitist behavior. Can America really trust a man who drinks lattes and teas every morning? and who is he winking at and why? What are you hiding, John McCain!?